Diagnosis: Phlegmatic, no Choleric, no... crazy.

Guys, I'm phlegmatic. and choleric. and, well, probably crazy. Mostly, I've been learning a lot about myself recently... things, I guess, I probably should have known already.

Like... did you know that I am equal parts introverted as I am extroverted?
It's true... not only do I thrive off of human interaction, but I also thrive in solo environments. And, not only do I need to be around people to be my best version of me, but I also need to be alone... like a lot. I learned this about myself recently, because I found myself believing that human interaction is incredibly exhausting. I would spend time with friends, or students, or family and walk away needing to sleep for a full day to recover from it. And then, someone would ask me to spend time with them and in my mind I could think of every reason why I didn't want to - including extreme reasons, like it would be more enjoyable to be buried alive. My whole life I've identified with the characteristics and traits of an extrovert... exciting, loud, out-going, people person. However, I now find myself acknowledging the traits of an introvert I've always had... goal-oriented, stable, loyal, detailed, reserved.

Or how about, did you know that I can be both internally motivated and internally lazy?
It's weird, right? To think that on one occasion I can be very much determined and motivated to kick butt on a project, but in the very next breath lack all motivation and succumb to laziness for the very same project... I've been experiencing this a lot lately when it comes to balancing all my commitments. Full-time work, full-time school, church, friends, family, ministry... There are moments when I'm detailed, organized, and determined to accomplish all of my responsibilities with all that I've got... but then when push comes to shove, and rubber meets the road, I become sluggish, somber, and unmotivated to complete anything - let alone to the best of my ability. I've learned that this is because the same force that pushes me to be awesome, pushes me to be lazy - that force is called being stubborn. I stubbornly believe that I can prove all my critics wrong and conquer everything like a champion, and I stubbornly believe that my best can wait til tomorrow. I've always been stubborn, I've always identified with that personality flaw... stubbornness. Who knew!?

Or, also, did you know I can be faithful and fearful about the same situation at the same time?
You can ask anyone in my family, I've always been the whippersnapper who called you out on your lack of faith when you questioned the purpose or outcome of an event. Without even trying, I can name three separate occasions that seemed entirely bleak and unresolved - occasions that it is reasonable to question where God is in that moment - and I've never wondered, and I've told those around me [who were struggling] that they needed to have faith. I can also name, again without effort, multiple occasions in which the fear I have toward an event is so incredibly crippling that I can't proceed, I can't remember faith, I can't think of anything but the possible 'what ifs' of the situation. Recently, I've found that I can be both of these people - the faithful and the fearful - at the same time. Without detail, there are events in my life that are incredibly unknown... there is no prediction what the outcome will be, no guarantee that good will come or bad will come. I find myself trusting, knowing that God will provide and it will be good, but also fearing the outcome - overwhelmingly, cripplingly afraid of possibility. I guess this isn't an uncommon thing for people, but it is a new experience to me - but an experience I should have known could happen.

Through all of this learning though, I've discovered things about my personality that are helpful... scary at times, but helpful. I love taking tests and filling out paperwork, so in effort to figure myself out I took every personality, temperament, social experiment test I could find. I discovered that I am a ENFJ, I am High C on the DISC profile, a balanced introvert/extrovert, and I'm Phlegmatic/Choleric. For people who don't know what any of that means, it just means that I'm consistent and careful, however adventurous. I am task-oriented but people focused... the perfect summary I've found is that I am "Extroverted Feeling with Introverted Intuition."

It has been good to know these quirks about myself, though... I find myself being a better communicator, a better worker, and a better student because of this knowledge. And all in all, it's just good to know that these extreme reactions (well, I think extreme) to life are incredibly normal for people of ENFJ personalities, with High C tendencies, and Phlegmatic temperaments - well, people who score almost equally as high in phlegmatic and choleric temperaments :)

Guys, I'm normal! Would you look at that!

Look at that, another year is ending...

Well, the end of the year brings about so many thoughts and feelings for every person breathing oxygen on this day in their lives. Thoughts and feelings of regret, thoughts and feelings of excitement, thoughts and feelings of reflection. And, I am no exception to these emotions… 2013 was a year of a lot of things for me. A year of growth. A year of hurt. A year of change. A year of letting go. A year of adulthood. Just like half the people on the Internet, I've decided to share some of my fondest, dearest, and hardest life lessons with all you fine Internet people… because what is the point of the journey if you can't share the growth with those you love.

1.) Life goes on, even when you don't make it…
Sometimes in life you see yourself growing, and if you are anything like me you get a little proud of yourself making strides towards being awesome… being respected… being respectable. Other times, I learned, you are growing and you just have no idea that it is happening - until, one day, you look in the mirror and see an adult staring back at you. I distinctly remember one morning getting dressed for the work day, I looked in the mirror and there she was… me, a grown up. An adult. Not that teenager who had been faking it in a grown-up world all the days before. Suddenly, my pants were the right length, my hair was in place, my shirt wasn't a comic book character or a band tee - it was an appropriately fitting business world shirt, and I was an adult. That whole day I walked around so confused about when this transformation had taken place, because I swear the day before I was still just a naive girl pretending to understand life. But… growing is perpetual. God is a great gardener in the garden that is your life… he is pruning, and watering, and sowing seeds that you aren't aware of until they are in full bloom. And, honestly, that's awesome.


2.) I will never have all the answers…
It is easy to be smart. You read books, recite information, study, work hard… intelligence is just inputting facts into your brain storage and then pulling them out when need be. But, no matter how much information you put into your skull… you are never going to have all the answers. I've hit the edge of my intelligence too many times this last year, and that was hard but it was also so refreshing. People I hold dear to my heart have struggled this last year. People I care about have been hurt, confused, and put through the ringer over and over again this year - and I didn't always have answers for them when they looked to me for help, but that is quite alright. God is so much bigger than I limit Him to be. God knows all, sees all, hears all. He knows when my heart hurts, He knows when my loved ones hurt - and He cares. I may not have all the right words or information stored up in my head, but I do have God who is Great and who is Love. And, honestly, that still blows my mind.


3.) Cruelty is just that, cruel…
We've all seen this scene, whether on television or in person, friends are mean to each other. They are capable of calling each other names, hurting each other's feelings, and tearing each other down with zero consequences. Everyone justifies treating their friends poorly, because that is what friends do. People want to blame the Internet for all the children hurting, but the Internet isn't the problem… people are. Cruel words can only be spoken if there is a mouth for them to come from. There is never an excuse for mean words, never an excuse to hurt someone, never an excuse to not be love. Cruelty can be a reflection of hurt you feel, it can be a means of protection… it can be a lot of things, but I think it just shouldn't be. There is already so much destruction in the world, because of sin, and the only thing that will help is the love of God extended to us and through us to others who hurt. Especially as Christians, we are the vessel the the Lord has here on the earth to love through… so what the heck are you doing if you are being mean? God is love, we need to be love. Honestly, everybody love everybody.

4.) Good things can actually come from waiting…
In September I watched one of my very best friends get married. Her husband is the epitome of everything she wants and needs in life. God provided so much love to her, such a blessing in her husband, but waiting was quite the journey. I know she had hurting days wondering why she was always waiting, but whoa baby such good things came from her wait. Also in September, I received a promotion at work. Since graduating from college, three years ago, I've worked the same difficult and unrewarding part time job. Every day I wondered if it would ever amount to anything, or if I was just going to continue waiting… for what seemed like forever… for something good to happen. When I met with all the bosses about getting my promotion, it was so freeing and rewarding to hear them tell me that I was the best for the position and that they were thankful for the minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years I've given them. It is hard to wait. Sometimes waiting feels like such a weight, such an overwhelming depression, but God is working and providing… especially while we wait. And, honestly, how cool is that?!

5.) Not every word I think needs to be heard…
My brain is always running. Awake, asleep, while talking, while being silent… my brain is just thinking away. I play out scenarios that may or may not ever happen, I replay life events I can't change, I analyze things I've heard or been taught… I just think, a lot. Sometimes my brain gets so full that I have to dump all those thoughts, through words, into the world. Ironically, to me at least, yesterday my best friend told me I can be overwhelming because I just say so many words sometimes. Oddly enough, God has been teaching me so much about shutting up. It is a hard realization to know that not every arrangement of words you formulate into a sentence is golden… seriously though, it makes you feel so dumb to think that you've put words out into the world that hurt someone unintentionally (or intentionally), or that confused someone during a difficult time, or that were just nonsense. I'm glad God is teaching me to be quiet sometimes, honestly, it is a good lesson to be learn.

Along with these lessons, God has taught me a lot of other things this year too. Some honorable mentions for learning that life gets harder but it also gets easier, and learning to cherish everyone (near and far), and learning love and how to be more loving, and also learning to let love in.

God is so good, and the thing that I will forever love about God is that He will never be done being awesome. Even when growing hurts, God is just so so good. 2013 has been 365 days of life that will, now, forever be in the past - but they are days that I am glad God let me live. Thank you to all of those who have journeyed with me this year, you are all so important to me. I look forward to 2014 with you, because I know that God has so much in store! Have a safe and happy time celebrate the last year of your life, see you next year ;)

Single; Female; Called into Ministry.

Let me preface this by saying that I am very high on the list of supporters for women's rights in ministry. When I graduated from Bible college without a ring on my left hand, I was proud and flaunting my single-hood while all the other unmarried (or un-engaged, or un-dating) women probably shed few tears because they felt unsuccessful in their journey through Christian College. I never went to Bible College to get my MRS, and I all but spit in the faces of people who thought I did. I heard the comments, I faced the facts, I confronted people head on when they questioned how I was going to go into ministry without a pastor husband. I am 100% behind the movement of letting the world know that women are effective and successful in ministry with or without a husband. However, with that being said... maybe it's time us single ladies stopped telling the world we are called, and we are useful, and we are efficient without husbands - and we just starting being those ladies that we've spent so much time defending to the world.

I know there is stigma attached to being a woman. I feel it. I experience it. I, firsthand, have had to stand up to men and prove my worth and intelligence as a woman. I know that burning desire in your hearts to take off your heels and ask your friends to hold you back because you are about to take out a few good men who have put you down. I get it. I've read all the articles and I've read all the blogs, I relate and they so perfectly resonate in my heart. I know it's hard to live in a world so old school and steeped in tradition that the first thing your church leadership, friends, family, and acquaintances look for is a ring on your finger. And, I know how much we want everyone to know that God has called US - and not just to be arm candy or a trophy wife. But you, really you, God gave you a deep desire for something specific and that call cannot be ignored... and it runs so deep and so wide that you know that it is the Lord leading you. I get all of that.

But what are we actually doing?

I, too, am victim to feeling discouraged and overpowered by the negative responses I receive to being a single lady. I know the sadness that is experienced when you have to go to yet another wedding, for yet another classmate, sibling, cousin, friend who has been blessed with marriage, and having to engage in conversation with people about why it isn't you and when it is going to be your turn. I know the discouragement of seeking out ministry opportunities and being rejected because of your single marital status. I, too, have taken those feelings and let them eat away at me. I've let discouragement and sadness dictate what my next move was, and I've fallen short of pursuing the will of God because I believed the hurtful words spoken to me against my willingness to serve. I have even written, some published and some never shared, thoughts about being single and being hurt by others through that. Today though, I read yet another post from a hurting girl sharing her discouragement for all us other single ladies to relate and feel empowered by and the thought occurred to me... what am I even doing?!

I think it is time for us loud and proud single ladies to stop whining on the Internet about the pastor/uncle/brother/father/friend who commented on our internal clock ticking. I think it is time that we put our money where our mouth is and actually start doing what we claim we can do. Just because we haven't, yet, been blessed with marriage doesn't mean we're broken - so stop acting like we are. It is one thing to talk the talk, but an entirely different thing to walk the walk. We can spend all our time proving to the world through words that we are good enough on our own, but if our actions don't match or even confirm what we are speaking... then what is the point. God didn't call you to get passionate about being right and proving that you are to others. He called you to do work... so DO IT.

This charge isn't just for you, I am challenging myself here too. I know how easy and simple it is to be the victim, but I've had enough of it. I can imagine how awesome the world would be and how much of a difference we could be making if we just did the things God called us to do and stopped just telling everyone we are capable of doing things. I mean... maybe if we did what we say we can do, people would stop questioning whether or not we can do it.

Plan B. The Back-Up Plan. Second Rate.

It seems like everyday I have a conversation with someone about my love life... well, actually, my lack of love life. Usually the conversation is me talking very directly about failed attempts, or high expectations, and even the prospects of past, present, and future. Today, I met up with a dear friend of mine... and the conversation was the same old same old... except she had a little light and wisdom to shed on my poor little perpetually broken heart. And, after having a conversation with this dear friend of mine, I have decided I'm tired of being everybody's Plan B.

To explain, I mean that story you always hear that usually start out as a joke. The story about two people having a conversation about never getting married. You know what I'm talking about, right? That conversation, where they make a deal that if in 30 years, or when they are 40 years old, that if they are both not married still that they'll just giving in and end up marrying each other. And, in Hollywood, that is a really good idea and usually ends up working out for both parties... because in the end they figure out that it was always meant to be. But that is my life! Except I've never actually had that conversation... every boy just decides I'm their back-up girl and proceeds with life hoping someone else will work out, but if it doesn't good ol' trusty Liz will be there waiting with open arms... because, frankly, she's got nothing better to do.

Well, I'm just tired of it. I'd like to be the first choice sometime. That's all. I just wanted the world to know. I'm tired.

Why say it if you don't mean it?

I am having a hard time understanding why people say things they don't mean... like why would you tell me you are okay, if clearly you're not? or why would you tell me you love me, but then treat me like you don't? Or tell me you miss me, but then never follow that up with actions? Or tell me you did something, but it's still not done? I mean... I can tell the difference.

I just don't understand.

Wouldn't life just be easier, for everyone, if we all just told the truth.

I mean... I know I'd feel less distress if people just told me the truth.

Do I not exist?

I have found myself asking recently... Do I exist? Am I not a real person? Is it not known that I have feelings that can be hurt? I mean, I've been put through the ringer time and time again by relationship after relationship, and somehow I always end up back in this same place... a sad, hurtful place that is me crying and wondering why no one thought that this would hurt me.

I mean... It is possible that I was just raised to respect other people's emotions and feelings, and the rest of the world - or at least the people I am interacting with currently - have not been brought up that way. It, also, is possible that maybe I have just been graced with compassion and understanding that the rest of the world has not quite yet developed. Yes, these are both possibilities... but yet, somehow, I think that both scenarios are very unlikely.

It cannot be possible that I am the only person in the world who takes into consideration what other people will feel or experience once I have made a decision about my relationship with that person. Or... how I am going to relate to that person.

For instance... is it not common courtesy, common practice, to think about the words you are saying before you say them? Like if your friend was hurting, is it not common practice to wait until afterward to point out to them that their pain was juvenile? or that there may be better ways of dealing with hurt, for future reference not right now?! in that painful moment?

And is it not common practice that if someone tells you they have boundaries or fears that are what are preventing them from getting close to you for one to acknowledge that in them and respect their decisions?!

It cannot be possible that no one else thinks of these things.

So why on earth does it seem like almost every person does not consider me when they are making decisions... about me!? It cannot be possible that they actually think I don't feel things, it cannot be possible that it has never crossed their mind that I may have feelings... real ones... ones that can be hurt. It can't be possible.

So why on earth am I constantly getting taken advantage of? Overlooked? Not considered? Abused?

It cannot be possible that they don't know I exist.

... So... Maybe I don't. Or... maybe there is an invisible to me sign on my forehead that says "I am resilient, please... by all means, walk all over me" or "I'll bounce back, hit me with your best shot." That must be it... because it cannot be possible that they didn't think things would hurt me.

Battling my imagination with reality...

**Just a warning - I feel emotional... this post is emo... and, there is a high potential I will take it down once I've slept and realized that I was just letting my exhaustion/emotions get the best of me. I've worked every day, long days, this week... And my sleep schedule has drastically changed, so I'm a little bit sleep deprived... Plus, I've been sick - so, even when I have gotten some sleep it wasn't very restful. So, I'm emotional.

Last night, I helped host a big event at work. A huge event. Biggest and coolest thing I've ever done in my short life of 24 years. I met and worked with great people, the Lord worked in many lives, everyone had fun, and almost all of the students involved told me it was the best day of their lives. It was such a blessing to be a part of something so cool... but yet, somehow, I feel a little bit empty.

I feel so blessed and honored that God let me be such big part of something so cool... but somehow events like this always remind me that I'm just a single lady doing ministry by my lonesome, honoring God with my life - alone. At the end of the night, my mind always wanders to the same image and I always have the same feelings. Every time I do something that I consider to be part of my legacy, my mind plays the same reel of footage that my imagination has dreamed up. This image is the scene of a tired me with sunken in eyes, smudged make up, and a hairstyle that is obviously a replacement for something I tried for a long time to maintain, scuffling toward a man who pulls me in for the most comforting hug a person can experience. As I bury my exhaustion deep within his loving arms and comforting chest, he always whispers something to the extent of "I'm so proud of you" or "You are amazing" or "You did it." And then in my heart, I feel like it was worth it... and like I am loved. But, just like every time I watch this dream take place in my head, I am brought back to the reality that that is not my life. And, here I am... alone. Setting up the tables, cleaning up the floors, shutting of the lights, and closing the doors... walking home... alone.

And now here I am, the next day, just wondering... will things ever change? Will that alone feeling ever go away?

Who knows...

Lovely Godly Women.

Do you ever just watch a woman live her life, and know that she takes every stride in effort to love the Lord - to be in service to Him? Do you ever hear their words, listen to their stories, and feel their strength and faith in every word?

I know women like this. I know quite a few of them. Specifically though, I know a family. A lovely little family. A family who loves the Lord, Mother and Father, who raised their daughters to serve the Lord with every aspect of their lives. This family has many daughters, so as they've grown older, they've developed into a family full of lovely Godly women. And, all of the women, who are of marrying age, are married to strong God-fearing men and are all raising lovely little children in righteousness. As for the women who aren't quite there in life, they are living righteous lives in single-hood and earnestly pursuing the will of God for their lives - in their state of being single. Some of them spent many years praying for God's love to be manifest into what is now their holy matrimony, others spent very little time waiting on the Lord to bring blessings bundled as husbands into their lives, and even then others have spent their time of singleness looking straight-forward on to the Lord and almost stumbled into the love of their husbands. Regardless, I've heard/read all of their journeys. I have watched them all grow. All develop. All take the strides that have gotten them to where they are today. Lovely Godly women, making movements as the Lord leads and trusting wholly in the God they love and serve.

These are such lovely Godly women.

Today, because I have no shame, I read all of these lovely wonderful women from this lovely little family's blogs about what God is doing in their lives... have I mentioned how beautiful their love for the will of God is? It is amazing to me that they all have made the choice to love God so earnestly. It is also a blessing to know that this is real life... that there are women out there living lives to love the Lord. I am so blessed.

I am just so encouraged that these women have chosen to surrender to God their lives... I mean their marriages, their children... everything. Everything they do is an act of service to God. And, that is amazing!

I just wanted to acknowledge, in my own unnoticed way, that God uses things... as simple as blog stalking mere acquaintances... to show you His truth.

So... Thank you to all of the lovely Godly women out there. You have changed my heart, encouraged my soul, and challenged me to be surrendered... to be willing... and to trust God's plans, for any and all things.

I hope I'm not one of them...

Have you ever heard the saying Some people never learn? Well... sometimes I feel like I know all of those "some people."

Today my mind has been consumed with making mistakes. I know everyone makes mistakes, but does everyone keep track of every single one the way I do? Does anyone else out there recall every single time they let someone down? Chose a bad relationship? Argued with their mother? Lied? I do. That is probably not normal, I probably shouldn't admit that.

Oh well it's out there now.

I just hope I'm not one of those people who never learn... then I would never have space in my head for anything but think about my mistakes.

Today, in mewithoutyou lyrics.

For the first time, I listened to the sound of the sugar pouring into my coffee. It was peaceful. It was peaceful to just sit in silence, if only, long enough to hear the soft sounds of sugar diving into my bitter instant coffee without hesitation.

"You'd only make the softest sound, like sugar pouring into tea. Darling, let your self pour down and dissolve into the Love who revealed himself there quietly to me..."

The morning is not an hour that I am often coherent, so this morning I decided I needed the able aid of coffee to fuel my intellect... or to remain awake long enough to naturally come into the state that most people call being alive. I was awake and I was just simply listening. When I am tired, I like to listen to life that is taking place and I fill my head with simple sounds... like the sugar submerging into my coffee. This morning, I was reminded me of these lyrics from The Cure for Pain by Mewithoutyou while listening to my life. It was a good, simple, reminder to immerse myself into Love. Christ. Today.

Lower how much me there is in my life today, and overwhelm myself with Jesus.

*I'm not claiming that this is what the song is talking about, I just felt this way about these words today.

My heart is consumed with this thought...

Sometimes it is just good to remember that Christ has already claimed victory in my life, and over my troubles, on the cross. It is good to remember that every battle is already won... that every sin has already been conquered... that Christ has already overcome all my struggles. Today. Tomorrow. and Forever.

Sometimes it is just good to remember my victory in Christ.
Today it is good to remember my victory in Christ.

Thank you Jesus.

Just a Day

Today is a day... just a day. One of the many days that I have lived in twenty-three and a half years. There is nothing particularly wonderful about this day, and I know for certain when I look back at my life I will not hold a great value to this day among days in twenty-three and a half years of life.

Today is a day... just a day. The air is chilled, but not cold. The sun is shining, but not brightly. I have held conversations, but not significant ones. Events have taken place, but not important ones.

Today is a day... just a day. Routine. Mundane. Ordinary. Today is a day, just a day... but I'm alright with that.

Six Years, Six Days...

September has never really been a happening month... school starts, the season changes, and people pull out their box of winter clothes – at least that is how it works where I'm from. September had always lived its ordinarily boring life, that is up until I was nearly 17.

Just a few short weeks before my seventeenth birthday tragedy struck my family in the most un-welcomed way. Just before the month of September was over my family embraced the news that my cousin had died... not only died but took his own life. I don't really care what people think or say, the theology behind it is whatever to me, but I believe that even suicide can be used as God's means of bringing his children home – and so, I truly believe that my strong, brave, loving cousin is resting peacefully in the arms of God.

September holds a whole new meaning for me now.

Every September the cold air settles in, and so does the emptiness in my heart.

My cousin was, in my young mind's understanding, always so much older than me. I only really remember looking up to him, and the way he looked up to my Dad, and a few scattered memories of him teasing me, picking on me, and of us goofing off with all our siblings. I have been told stories several stories of his big heart, his service to the Kingdom, his passions, and his pursuits of being a light to the world. So I know, without a doubt, that my cousin was a good man.

We have all found different means of embracing new life since losing my cousin. And, we have all found different ways to remember and honor my cousin's precious life. Immediately following my cousin's death a couple of his friends put together bracelets in his honor... I wore that bracelet until it was worn right off my wrist.

Carry the Torch. CRM.

This September marked the six year anniversary of our abrupt goodbye, the six year anniversary of the painful wave that swept through my family like a hurricane.

I was sitting in darkness this year, September 26^th, 27^th, 28^th. I was remembering this year, year 1, 2, 3. I spent extra time with my family, I looked at old pictures, I cried, I laughed, and I committed to doing a better job at carrying on Christopher's torch. As the 28^th of September came to a close, so did yet another story in my life. On the very tail end of my efforts of remembering my cousin's life and legacy, I received more tragic September news.

Attending Bible College for four years people come and go into you life on a regular basis. You make friends they graduate, you make friends YOU graduate... sometimes you make friends that carry through all your years. Laminin was that. Laminin came to Davis College when I was a Sophomore, and immediately found a home in everyone's heart. He was kind, friendly, loving, funny, joyful, and always always smiling. Even in his down moments, he found a way to give glory to God – and if you didn't feel loved after interacting with him, there was something wrong with you.

On the 28^th Laminin went missing, and through events that are still very unclear to the public, he drowned in a local river. On Friday, the 30^th, the Police released a statement that even though they haven't found him yet they can confirm that do not expect to find him alive.

We all mourn. We all grieve.

Sometimes I sit in the darkness, and I cry.

Sometimes I sit in the light, and I cry.

Sometimes I listen to worship music, and I cry.

One September tragedy? Now another?

I know Lam wouldn't want us to cry, so I try not to. I know that Laminin, and Christopher, are with God. I know that they are satisfied.

It still hurts. I'm still mourning, I'm still grieving.

Six years, and six days later.

Right after I received the news of Laminin's death, or even just his disappearance, God gave me the lyrics to a song.

All of my life, in every season, You are still God and I have a reason to sing... I have a reason to worship. - Desert Song, Hillsong

Six years, six days later... God is still God, and even though the loss of loved ones is never a joyful moment I have a reason to sing.

Even writing this my eyes fill with salty tears, tears that I don't regret shedding. I love both of these men and the little parts that they've played in my life. And, I am truly grateful that God gave me the opportunity to love them. I do hurt still, I hurt for those who hurt the most from the loss of their loved ones. I hurt for their families, I hurt for their friends, and I hurt for the communities that have felt the void of their missing members. I do, however, rejoice in their lives. I rejoice in the impact they've made on the world, and I rejoice in the legacy they left behind.

Six Years, Six days later... I still hurt, but I will Praise.

I will bring Praise, I will bring Praise, no weapon formed against me shall remain. I will rejoice, I will declare God is my victory and He is here.

Sunday Words.

"We have become a church that is so consumed in doing things FOR God that we forgot to do things WITH God" - Mattie Montgomery 'The Cycle' When Sons Become Fathers

This is my confession – part 1

I wish I could go somewhere where I didn't feel like you could see my every thought, but I have no outlets – and I just need to scream.

These past five months have been a whirlwind of learning. And, in this process of growing I've leaned that typically the only thing that gets in the way of me taking on the changes and adaptations that I need to survive... is me. Every human is flawed, and I've learned in my many years spent in the church that it is pretty common for people to have areas of perpetual trip up – like sin that is often revisited. I can attest to this, because in all honesty I started writing this entry at least 6 months ago – if not a whole year ago. That just goes to show you that I struggle with these things I'm about to confess on the regular. I feel like part of overcoming the issues will be owning up to them.

So as they say the admitting to the issue is half the battle... so this is my confession.

Confession: I am a Control Freak.

I have always written my need for control off as a need to understand and know – it's not sinful to want to understand whats going on, and it's not a reflection of my lack of trust if I pretend that I'm not questioning God's ability to provide for me. Right?

Confession: I worry about EVERYTHING.

I tell people that I freak out about events pre-event so that when given a situation where normal people would freak out, I can be calm... but really I just over think and worry about everything. But no one questions my psychology, and it doesn't look like I'm a doubtful person. Right?

Confession: I am the master of over-thinking.

You can ask absolutely anyone who knows me, I never stop thinking. And in thinking about it, I can only think of one time in the last like 10 years of my life that I had nothing on my mind. My friends, in most recent times, have come to point out my constant state of thought – and I feel like if it's obvious to the whole world, it's gotta be an issue. I want to say I started thinking about everything all the time to prevent myself from making irrational over-emotional decisions. But, in doing that I've created an over-thinking crazy person MONSTER.

These things are probably more then just a coincidental correlation... they are probably interdependent, or interrelated, or some other smart word to say they go together. Maybe there is a root issue that these things spring up out of? Who knows... I hope that on my journey of overcoming their owning my identity that that will be revealed to me.

Most recently I have found myself in events that I both cannot be in control of or freak out about... and no matter how hard I think about them, and re-think about them, I can't solve the equation. In complete honesty, I have to tell you that this is the most challenging phase I've ever been though. I profess to be a person full of faith, and I really do trust God fully with my life... but I would have way more peace about turning over situations that are just too big (for even my giant manly hands to hold), if I knew that in the end what I wanted would be the outcome. I have learned in experience past that by giving things over to God, my heart and God's desires will align – I just get nervous.

But here I go again, trusting... and hopefully with my everything. I promise not to freak out, and I promise to not worry. And oh yeah, I promise to stop thinking and re-thinking and over-thinking all my life situations.

Here goes nothing...

Spiritual Yard Work – To weed or not to weed?

The Parable of the Weeds – Matthew 13:24-30

Jesus told them another parable: "The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field. But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat, and went away. When the wheat sprouted and formed heads, then the weeds also appeared.

The owner's servants came to him and said, 'Sir, didn't you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?'

'An enemy did this,' he replied.
The servants asked him, 'Do you want us to go and pull them up?'

'No,' he answered, 'because while you are pulling the weeds, you may root up the wheat with them. Let both grow together until the harvest. At that time I will tell the harvesters: First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn.' "

I love it when I'm reading the Bible and I discover passages I didn't know existed, especially when those passages are relevant to my life.

Explanation:
Yesterday I was sitting in my living room, discussing with fellow Bible College students the reason for and the proper reaction to people who claim Christianity but don't show fruit. The conversation was mostly about how do you know if someone is really a Christian... by mere proclamation? By the good fruit they produce? Or are we, as fellow Christians, really the ones who have the insight to make that judgment? One of my fellow students used the verse in Matthew that talks about how it'll be evident who they are by the fruit that grows on their tree – like the verse says, he argued that a good tree cannot produce bad fruit (Matthew 7:16-18). The thought that I added to the conversation is that we shouldn't judge them, but judge ourselves... take a good hard look in the mirror and see what kind of fruit are we producing. I also noted that the church today is missing the boat and neglecting to teach solid valuable truth to new believers, because sometimes I think we offer a salvation message but then neglect to teach infant Christians how to crawl and walk and eat solid food. I suggested that instead of looking at young baby Christians with disdain or distaste for their lack of good fruit baring, or lack of knowledge on how to produce good fruit, that we should examine ourselves to see 'what lessons am I teaching, through example, by the fruit I'm producing.' After all, a good tree cannot produce bad fruit.

And then, today I was reading just for mere time passing... it is the summer, I hardly have anything better to do. And within the very first two pages that I read, the author discussed this bit of scripture. (Oh God, your timing slays me!) The man writing the book that I was reading was talking about why Jesus put the parable in the words and format that He did, and then the author went on to say that the point that Jesus was driving home was 1.) That it isn't easy to distinguish the weeds from the wheat – that sometimes God really is the only one who can tell, and 2.) that destroying evil might destroy good (Jesus for President, pg.96-97).

Where I totally understand the second point, it doesn't convict me quite the way the first point does. The first point, that sometimes you can't tell the good from the bad... that is exactly what we were talking about yesterday. And, in my own life I know that this was a necessary thought to process.

Good job God, you teach me even when I'm not looking for a lesson.

Dirty Fingernails.

“Look into the eyes of the ones who are hardest for you to like, and see the One you love. For God loves good and bad people. Even God doesn't grasp for the knowledge of good and evil but sends rain to water the fields of both the just and the unjust. That's why enemy love is the only thing that Jesus says makes a person like God – perfect.” - Shane Claiborne Jesus for President

While doing a little late night reading tonight, after a fabulous day of travels and bliss, I stumbled across this idea from the mind and work of Shane Claiborne. Shane is one of my favorite authors, not just because I think he is really cool – but because he always challenges me to take a new perspective on life or certain situations.

This is what I take away from this quote:

Loving everyone, particularly your enemies brings you 1.) closer to achieving the proper reflection of the image of God, but 2.) brings you closer to God. I like that the quote says that God doesn't discriminate on the unjust, just because of their state of being... but that he fulfills their needs too.

I would never say that I am one to make a lot of enemies, but I have definitely encountered my share of people that I don't get along with. But with those experiences I've always been taught to show love, and with all of them... in the end, I have been able to make lasting bonds with those people. Looking deep into the eyes of someone you don't get along with, and seeing Jesus... sometimes is like a slap in the face, but to your soul... makes a world of difference when it comes to showing them love.

I just needed to share this quote. That's all.

Help! I've fallen and I can't get up

In last year I've adapted the idea that life is a series of rises and falls, my one time roommate calls it the pit. She describes it as – sometimes you are on one side, its a little bit of flowers and a little bit of weeds, but things are decent... however, you know you are about to take a journey. Then you have a sometimes slow sometimes rapid decline into your pit... the pit is miserable, it's when you are just absolutely helpless and all wrapped up in the thorns – to me, it's like trying to run when you are holding your breathe. Then there is the incline, which is a lot of work... this is like after you have held your breathe for a long time that initial intake of panic – but for the most put the incline is when things start looking up. And then, lastly, there is the other side... the other side is glorious, to me... it's like watching a sun rise or set, its that powerful moment when you realize that the same God that made this event made you.

Right now... I'm so very much in my pit. Regardless of my efforts, regardless of out stretched hand... no one is lifting me out. I keep waiting and waiting, and crying out and crying out for God to pick me up... and nothing. I've pulled all my resources... I've got nothing left.

Silence is GOLDEN

After the most random series of events, I find myself sitting here questioning silence.

I was watching this video, a miniature little sermon about silence... The man on the video used the story of Elijah the Prophet hearing the voice of God – not in extravagant events, but in silence. He further explains the the Hebrew word that is translating in our English Bible is a word that would literally translate to mean no noise. Then the video proceeded... however, it was no longer a man talking – but simple white words on a simple black screen. The words were questions... like – are you afraid of silence? Are you ever in complete silence? Are you afraid of God's voice? Or what He might say?

After watching the video... the question came to my mind: is silence the absence of noise, or is it the ability to find stillness even in chaos?

And honestly I don't know... I think the right answer is the lack of noise, right? I mean the literal definition of Silence is “the absence of noise.” But couldn't silence also be finding peace, serenity – stillness – in noise?

I think God wants us to do both... both be in complete silence, and find Him even in craziness.

But I don't know... maybe my simple mind is over-complicating this, I'm human – I do that. Often.

If I just breathe, I'll know everything is alright..

Sometimes you know very clearly when God is teaching you something... yesterday was one of those times.

Suffering.

In class yesterday we studied the portion of 1 Peter about suffering... specifically the suffering of the believer. In our notes the text is split up into various sections, each one emphasizing something significant about the believers journey of suffering. Things like the conduct of suffering, Christ's suffering, and the commands of suffering. The part of the text that specifically stuck out to me is the conduct of suffering, 1 Peter 3:13-17. The author, Peter, writes in verses 13 and 14 about how one needs to remain confident during suffering... and that was really just kind of interesting.

Prior to class I had a Bible study in the morning, someone read this really profound thing out of a daily devotional... and I just really can't quite shake it. I feel like it relates to where I'm at right now.

She read … “If you are going to be used by God, He will take you through a multitude of experiences that are not meant for you at all, they are meant to make you useful in His hands, and to enable you to understand what transpires in other souls so that you will never be surprised at what you come across.”

I translate that to mean... Sometimes we suffer through experiences, but we need to realize that it's not really about us. God uses crappy situations (or experiences) to equip us with the righteous tools we need to better serve the Kingdom.

And how often do we think that? I mean really... I've never looked at the fact that I suffer as a benefit to the Kingdom – or a benefit to really anything actually. But how neat... and relieving... to know that we are suffering with reason and purpose.

I've always been taught to be thankful for experience... not just for my own knowledge, but for the sake of passing my wisdom on to others who are dealing with similar situations. And now, I feel like I have more reason to be thankful for every experience – even suffering.

I know it's hard for me to see a point in suffering, especially in times like right now when I feel like hard times just keep piling on. But yesterday really made me stop and think...

If I plan to serve in ministry... which I think there is like a call to every believer to be ministering in some capacity, so I feel like this is relevant to everyone... I need to take every experience in and soak it all up, so that I can never miss out on an opportunity to minister to someone.

So suffering...

Yeah. Suffering.

Its good for you, ya know. And I really feel like God is teaching me this lesson. A little bit of pain, a little bit of suffering... in the long run its a benefit – to everyone.