Battling my imagination with reality...

**Just a warning - I feel emotional... this post is emo... and, there is a high potential I will take it down once I've slept and realized that I was just letting my exhaustion/emotions get the best of me. I've worked every day, long days, this week... And my sleep schedule has drastically changed, so I'm a little bit sleep deprived... Plus, I've been sick - so, even when I have gotten some sleep it wasn't very restful. So, I'm emotional.

Last night, I helped host a big event at work. A huge event. Biggest and coolest thing I've ever done in my short life of 24 years. I met and worked with great people, the Lord worked in many lives, everyone had fun, and almost all of the students involved told me it was the best day of their lives. It was such a blessing to be a part of something so cool... but yet, somehow, I feel a little bit empty.

I feel so blessed and honored that God let me be such big part of something so cool... but somehow events like this always remind me that I'm just a single lady doing ministry by my lonesome, honoring God with my life - alone. At the end of the night, my mind always wanders to the same image and I always have the same feelings. Every time I do something that I consider to be part of my legacy, my mind plays the same reel of footage that my imagination has dreamed up. This image is the scene of a tired me with sunken in eyes, smudged make up, and a hairstyle that is obviously a replacement for something I tried for a long time to maintain, scuffling toward a man who pulls me in for the most comforting hug a person can experience. As I bury my exhaustion deep within his loving arms and comforting chest, he always whispers something to the extent of "I'm so proud of you" or "You are amazing" or "You did it." And then in my heart, I feel like it was worth it... and like I am loved. But, just like every time I watch this dream take place in my head, I am brought back to the reality that that is not my life. And, here I am... alone. Setting up the tables, cleaning up the floors, shutting of the lights, and closing the doors... walking home... alone.

And now here I am, the next day, just wondering... will things ever change? Will that alone feeling ever go away?

Who knows...