This is my confession – part 1

I wish I could go somewhere where I didn't feel like you could see my every thought, but I have no outlets – and I just need to scream.

These past five months have been a whirlwind of learning. And, in this process of growing I've leaned that typically the only thing that gets in the way of me taking on the changes and adaptations that I need to survive... is me. Every human is flawed, and I've learned in my many years spent in the church that it is pretty common for people to have areas of perpetual trip up – like sin that is often revisited. I can attest to this, because in all honesty I started writing this entry at least 6 months ago – if not a whole year ago. That just goes to show you that I struggle with these things I'm about to confess on the regular. I feel like part of overcoming the issues will be owning up to them.

So as they say the admitting to the issue is half the battle... so this is my confession.

Confession: I am a Control Freak.

I have always written my need for control off as a need to understand and know – it's not sinful to want to understand whats going on, and it's not a reflection of my lack of trust if I pretend that I'm not questioning God's ability to provide for me. Right?

Confession: I worry about EVERYTHING.

I tell people that I freak out about events pre-event so that when given a situation where normal people would freak out, I can be calm... but really I just over think and worry about everything. But no one questions my psychology, and it doesn't look like I'm a doubtful person. Right?

Confession: I am the master of over-thinking.

You can ask absolutely anyone who knows me, I never stop thinking. And in thinking about it, I can only think of one time in the last like 10 years of my life that I had nothing on my mind. My friends, in most recent times, have come to point out my constant state of thought – and I feel like if it's obvious to the whole world, it's gotta be an issue. I want to say I started thinking about everything all the time to prevent myself from making irrational over-emotional decisions. But, in doing that I've created an over-thinking crazy person MONSTER.

These things are probably more then just a coincidental correlation... they are probably interdependent, or interrelated, or some other smart word to say they go together. Maybe there is a root issue that these things spring up out of? Who knows... I hope that on my journey of overcoming their owning my identity that that will be revealed to me.

Most recently I have found myself in events that I both cannot be in control of or freak out about... and no matter how hard I think about them, and re-think about them, I can't solve the equation. In complete honesty, I have to tell you that this is the most challenging phase I've ever been though. I profess to be a person full of faith, and I really do trust God fully with my life... but I would have way more peace about turning over situations that are just too big (for even my giant manly hands to hold), if I knew that in the end what I wanted would be the outcome. I have learned in experience past that by giving things over to God, my heart and God's desires will align – I just get nervous.

But here I go again, trusting... and hopefully with my everything. I promise not to freak out, and I promise to not worry. And oh yeah, I promise to stop thinking and re-thinking and over-thinking all my life situations.

Here goes nothing...