Do I not exist?

I have found myself asking recently... Do I exist? Am I not a real person? Is it not known that I have feelings that can be hurt? I mean, I've been put through the ringer time and time again by relationship after relationship, and somehow I always end up back in this same place... a sad, hurtful place that is me crying and wondering why no one thought that this would hurt me.

I mean... It is possible that I was just raised to respect other people's emotions and feelings, and the rest of the world - or at least the people I am interacting with currently - have not been brought up that way. It, also, is possible that maybe I have just been graced with compassion and understanding that the rest of the world has not quite yet developed. Yes, these are both possibilities... but yet, somehow, I think that both scenarios are very unlikely.

It cannot be possible that I am the only person in the world who takes into consideration what other people will feel or experience once I have made a decision about my relationship with that person. Or... how I am going to relate to that person.

For instance... is it not common courtesy, common practice, to think about the words you are saying before you say them? Like if your friend was hurting, is it not common practice to wait until afterward to point out to them that their pain was juvenile? or that there may be better ways of dealing with hurt, for future reference not right now?! in that painful moment?

And is it not common practice that if someone tells you they have boundaries or fears that are what are preventing them from getting close to you for one to acknowledge that in them and respect their decisions?!

It cannot be possible that no one else thinks of these things.

So why on earth does it seem like almost every person does not consider me when they are making decisions... about me!? It cannot be possible that they actually think I don't feel things, it cannot be possible that it has never crossed their mind that I may have feelings... real ones... ones that can be hurt. It can't be possible.

So why on earth am I constantly getting taken advantage of? Overlooked? Not considered? Abused?

It cannot be possible that they don't know I exist.

... So... Maybe I don't. Or... maybe there is an invisible to me sign on my forehead that says "I am resilient, please... by all means, walk all over me" or "I'll bounce back, hit me with your best shot." That must be it... because it cannot be possible that they didn't think things would hurt me.

Battling my imagination with reality...

**Just a warning - I feel emotional... this post is emo... and, there is a high potential I will take it down once I've slept and realized that I was just letting my exhaustion/emotions get the best of me. I've worked every day, long days, this week... And my sleep schedule has drastically changed, so I'm a little bit sleep deprived... Plus, I've been sick - so, even when I have gotten some sleep it wasn't very restful. So, I'm emotional.

Last night, I helped host a big event at work. A huge event. Biggest and coolest thing I've ever done in my short life of 24 years. I met and worked with great people, the Lord worked in many lives, everyone had fun, and almost all of the students involved told me it was the best day of their lives. It was such a blessing to be a part of something so cool... but yet, somehow, I feel a little bit empty.

I feel so blessed and honored that God let me be such big part of something so cool... but somehow events like this always remind me that I'm just a single lady doing ministry by my lonesome, honoring God with my life - alone. At the end of the night, my mind always wanders to the same image and I always have the same feelings. Every time I do something that I consider to be part of my legacy, my mind plays the same reel of footage that my imagination has dreamed up. This image is the scene of a tired me with sunken in eyes, smudged make up, and a hairstyle that is obviously a replacement for something I tried for a long time to maintain, scuffling toward a man who pulls me in for the most comforting hug a person can experience. As I bury my exhaustion deep within his loving arms and comforting chest, he always whispers something to the extent of "I'm so proud of you" or "You are amazing" or "You did it." And then in my heart, I feel like it was worth it... and like I am loved. But, just like every time I watch this dream take place in my head, I am brought back to the reality that that is not my life. And, here I am... alone. Setting up the tables, cleaning up the floors, shutting of the lights, and closing the doors... walking home... alone.

And now here I am, the next day, just wondering... will things ever change? Will that alone feeling ever go away?

Who knows...

Lovely Godly Women.

Do you ever just watch a woman live her life, and know that she takes every stride in effort to love the Lord - to be in service to Him? Do you ever hear their words, listen to their stories, and feel their strength and faith in every word?

I know women like this. I know quite a few of them. Specifically though, I know a family. A lovely little family. A family who loves the Lord, Mother and Father, who raised their daughters to serve the Lord with every aspect of their lives. This family has many daughters, so as they've grown older, they've developed into a family full of lovely Godly women. And, all of the women, who are of marrying age, are married to strong God-fearing men and are all raising lovely little children in righteousness. As for the women who aren't quite there in life, they are living righteous lives in single-hood and earnestly pursuing the will of God for their lives - in their state of being single. Some of them spent many years praying for God's love to be manifest into what is now their holy matrimony, others spent very little time waiting on the Lord to bring blessings bundled as husbands into their lives, and even then others have spent their time of singleness looking straight-forward on to the Lord and almost stumbled into the love of their husbands. Regardless, I've heard/read all of their journeys. I have watched them all grow. All develop. All take the strides that have gotten them to where they are today. Lovely Godly women, making movements as the Lord leads and trusting wholly in the God they love and serve.

These are such lovely Godly women.

Today, because I have no shame, I read all of these lovely wonderful women from this lovely little family's blogs about what God is doing in their lives... have I mentioned how beautiful their love for the will of God is? It is amazing to me that they all have made the choice to love God so earnestly. It is also a blessing to know that this is real life... that there are women out there living lives to love the Lord. I am so blessed.

I am just so encouraged that these women have chosen to surrender to God their lives... I mean their marriages, their children... everything. Everything they do is an act of service to God. And, that is amazing!

I just wanted to acknowledge, in my own unnoticed way, that God uses things... as simple as blog stalking mere acquaintances... to show you His truth.

So... Thank you to all of the lovely Godly women out there. You have changed my heart, encouraged my soul, and challenged me to be surrendered... to be willing... and to trust God's plans, for any and all things.