Diagnosis: Phlegmatic, no Choleric, no... crazy.

Guys, I'm phlegmatic. and choleric. and, well, probably crazy. Mostly, I've been learning a lot about myself recently... things, I guess, I probably should have known already.

Like... did you know that I am equal parts introverted as I am extroverted?
It's true... not only do I thrive off of human interaction, but I also thrive in solo environments. And, not only do I need to be around people to be my best version of me, but I also need to be alone... like a lot. I learned this about myself recently, because I found myself believing that human interaction is incredibly exhausting. I would spend time with friends, or students, or family and walk away needing to sleep for a full day to recover from it. And then, someone would ask me to spend time with them and in my mind I could think of every reason why I didn't want to - including extreme reasons, like it would be more enjoyable to be buried alive. My whole life I've identified with the characteristics and traits of an extrovert... exciting, loud, out-going, people person. However, I now find myself acknowledging the traits of an introvert I've always had... goal-oriented, stable, loyal, detailed, reserved.

Or how about, did you know that I can be both internally motivated and internally lazy?
It's weird, right? To think that on one occasion I can be very much determined and motivated to kick butt on a project, but in the very next breath lack all motivation and succumb to laziness for the very same project... I've been experiencing this a lot lately when it comes to balancing all my commitments. Full-time work, full-time school, church, friends, family, ministry... There are moments when I'm detailed, organized, and determined to accomplish all of my responsibilities with all that I've got... but then when push comes to shove, and rubber meets the road, I become sluggish, somber, and unmotivated to complete anything - let alone to the best of my ability. I've learned that this is because the same force that pushes me to be awesome, pushes me to be lazy - that force is called being stubborn. I stubbornly believe that I can prove all my critics wrong and conquer everything like a champion, and I stubbornly believe that my best can wait til tomorrow. I've always been stubborn, I've always identified with that personality flaw... stubbornness. Who knew!?

Or, also, did you know I can be faithful and fearful about the same situation at the same time?
You can ask anyone in my family, I've always been the whippersnapper who called you out on your lack of faith when you questioned the purpose or outcome of an event. Without even trying, I can name three separate occasions that seemed entirely bleak and unresolved - occasions that it is reasonable to question where God is in that moment - and I've never wondered, and I've told those around me [who were struggling] that they needed to have faith. I can also name, again without effort, multiple occasions in which the fear I have toward an event is so incredibly crippling that I can't proceed, I can't remember faith, I can't think of anything but the possible 'what ifs' of the situation. Recently, I've found that I can be both of these people - the faithful and the fearful - at the same time. Without detail, there are events in my life that are incredibly unknown... there is no prediction what the outcome will be, no guarantee that good will come or bad will come. I find myself trusting, knowing that God will provide and it will be good, but also fearing the outcome - overwhelmingly, cripplingly afraid of possibility. I guess this isn't an uncommon thing for people, but it is a new experience to me - but an experience I should have known could happen.

Through all of this learning though, I've discovered things about my personality that are helpful... scary at times, but helpful. I love taking tests and filling out paperwork, so in effort to figure myself out I took every personality, temperament, social experiment test I could find. I discovered that I am a ENFJ, I am High C on the DISC profile, a balanced introvert/extrovert, and I'm Phlegmatic/Choleric. For people who don't know what any of that means, it just means that I'm consistent and careful, however adventurous. I am task-oriented but people focused... the perfect summary I've found is that I am "Extroverted Feeling with Introverted Intuition."

It has been good to know these quirks about myself, though... I find myself being a better communicator, a better worker, and a better student because of this knowledge. And all in all, it's just good to know that these extreme reactions (well, I think extreme) to life are incredibly normal for people of ENFJ personalities, with High C tendencies, and Phlegmatic temperaments - well, people who score almost equally as high in phlegmatic and choleric temperaments :)

Guys, I'm normal! Would you look at that!

Look at that, another year is ending...

Well, the end of the year brings about so many thoughts and feelings for every person breathing oxygen on this day in their lives. Thoughts and feelings of regret, thoughts and feelings of excitement, thoughts and feelings of reflection. And, I am no exception to these emotions… 2013 was a year of a lot of things for me. A year of growth. A year of hurt. A year of change. A year of letting go. A year of adulthood. Just like half the people on the Internet, I've decided to share some of my fondest, dearest, and hardest life lessons with all you fine Internet people… because what is the point of the journey if you can't share the growth with those you love.

1.) Life goes on, even when you don't make it…
Sometimes in life you see yourself growing, and if you are anything like me you get a little proud of yourself making strides towards being awesome… being respected… being respectable. Other times, I learned, you are growing and you just have no idea that it is happening - until, one day, you look in the mirror and see an adult staring back at you. I distinctly remember one morning getting dressed for the work day, I looked in the mirror and there she was… me, a grown up. An adult. Not that teenager who had been faking it in a grown-up world all the days before. Suddenly, my pants were the right length, my hair was in place, my shirt wasn't a comic book character or a band tee - it was an appropriately fitting business world shirt, and I was an adult. That whole day I walked around so confused about when this transformation had taken place, because I swear the day before I was still just a naive girl pretending to understand life. But… growing is perpetual. God is a great gardener in the garden that is your life… he is pruning, and watering, and sowing seeds that you aren't aware of until they are in full bloom. And, honestly, that's awesome.


2.) I will never have all the answers…
It is easy to be smart. You read books, recite information, study, work hard… intelligence is just inputting facts into your brain storage and then pulling them out when need be. But, no matter how much information you put into your skull… you are never going to have all the answers. I've hit the edge of my intelligence too many times this last year, and that was hard but it was also so refreshing. People I hold dear to my heart have struggled this last year. People I care about have been hurt, confused, and put through the ringer over and over again this year - and I didn't always have answers for them when they looked to me for help, but that is quite alright. God is so much bigger than I limit Him to be. God knows all, sees all, hears all. He knows when my heart hurts, He knows when my loved ones hurt - and He cares. I may not have all the right words or information stored up in my head, but I do have God who is Great and who is Love. And, honestly, that still blows my mind.


3.) Cruelty is just that, cruel…
We've all seen this scene, whether on television or in person, friends are mean to each other. They are capable of calling each other names, hurting each other's feelings, and tearing each other down with zero consequences. Everyone justifies treating their friends poorly, because that is what friends do. People want to blame the Internet for all the children hurting, but the Internet isn't the problem… people are. Cruel words can only be spoken if there is a mouth for them to come from. There is never an excuse for mean words, never an excuse to hurt someone, never an excuse to not be love. Cruelty can be a reflection of hurt you feel, it can be a means of protection… it can be a lot of things, but I think it just shouldn't be. There is already so much destruction in the world, because of sin, and the only thing that will help is the love of God extended to us and through us to others who hurt. Especially as Christians, we are the vessel the the Lord has here on the earth to love through… so what the heck are you doing if you are being mean? God is love, we need to be love. Honestly, everybody love everybody.

4.) Good things can actually come from waiting…
In September I watched one of my very best friends get married. Her husband is the epitome of everything she wants and needs in life. God provided so much love to her, such a blessing in her husband, but waiting was quite the journey. I know she had hurting days wondering why she was always waiting, but whoa baby such good things came from her wait. Also in September, I received a promotion at work. Since graduating from college, three years ago, I've worked the same difficult and unrewarding part time job. Every day I wondered if it would ever amount to anything, or if I was just going to continue waiting… for what seemed like forever… for something good to happen. When I met with all the bosses about getting my promotion, it was so freeing and rewarding to hear them tell me that I was the best for the position and that they were thankful for the minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years I've given them. It is hard to wait. Sometimes waiting feels like such a weight, such an overwhelming depression, but God is working and providing… especially while we wait. And, honestly, how cool is that?!

5.) Not every word I think needs to be heard…
My brain is always running. Awake, asleep, while talking, while being silent… my brain is just thinking away. I play out scenarios that may or may not ever happen, I replay life events I can't change, I analyze things I've heard or been taught… I just think, a lot. Sometimes my brain gets so full that I have to dump all those thoughts, through words, into the world. Ironically, to me at least, yesterday my best friend told me I can be overwhelming because I just say so many words sometimes. Oddly enough, God has been teaching me so much about shutting up. It is a hard realization to know that not every arrangement of words you formulate into a sentence is golden… seriously though, it makes you feel so dumb to think that you've put words out into the world that hurt someone unintentionally (or intentionally), or that confused someone during a difficult time, or that were just nonsense. I'm glad God is teaching me to be quiet sometimes, honestly, it is a good lesson to be learn.

Along with these lessons, God has taught me a lot of other things this year too. Some honorable mentions for learning that life gets harder but it also gets easier, and learning to cherish everyone (near and far), and learning love and how to be more loving, and also learning to let love in.

God is so good, and the thing that I will forever love about God is that He will never be done being awesome. Even when growing hurts, God is just so so good. 2013 has been 365 days of life that will, now, forever be in the past - but they are days that I am glad God let me live. Thank you to all of those who have journeyed with me this year, you are all so important to me. I look forward to 2014 with you, because I know that God has so much in store! Have a safe and happy time celebrate the last year of your life, see you next year ;)

Single; Female; Called into Ministry.

Let me preface this by saying that I am very high on the list of supporters for women's rights in ministry. When I graduated from Bible college without a ring on my left hand, I was proud and flaunting my single-hood while all the other unmarried (or un-engaged, or un-dating) women probably shed few tears because they felt unsuccessful in their journey through Christian College. I never went to Bible College to get my MRS, and I all but spit in the faces of people who thought I did. I heard the comments, I faced the facts, I confronted people head on when they questioned how I was going to go into ministry without a pastor husband. I am 100% behind the movement of letting the world know that women are effective and successful in ministry with or without a husband. However, with that being said... maybe it's time us single ladies stopped telling the world we are called, and we are useful, and we are efficient without husbands - and we just starting being those ladies that we've spent so much time defending to the world.

I know there is stigma attached to being a woman. I feel it. I experience it. I, firsthand, have had to stand up to men and prove my worth and intelligence as a woman. I know that burning desire in your hearts to take off your heels and ask your friends to hold you back because you are about to take out a few good men who have put you down. I get it. I've read all the articles and I've read all the blogs, I relate and they so perfectly resonate in my heart. I know it's hard to live in a world so old school and steeped in tradition that the first thing your church leadership, friends, family, and acquaintances look for is a ring on your finger. And, I know how much we want everyone to know that God has called US - and not just to be arm candy or a trophy wife. But you, really you, God gave you a deep desire for something specific and that call cannot be ignored... and it runs so deep and so wide that you know that it is the Lord leading you. I get all of that.

But what are we actually doing?

I, too, am victim to feeling discouraged and overpowered by the negative responses I receive to being a single lady. I know the sadness that is experienced when you have to go to yet another wedding, for yet another classmate, sibling, cousin, friend who has been blessed with marriage, and having to engage in conversation with people about why it isn't you and when it is going to be your turn. I know the discouragement of seeking out ministry opportunities and being rejected because of your single marital status. I, too, have taken those feelings and let them eat away at me. I've let discouragement and sadness dictate what my next move was, and I've fallen short of pursuing the will of God because I believed the hurtful words spoken to me against my willingness to serve. I have even written, some published and some never shared, thoughts about being single and being hurt by others through that. Today though, I read yet another post from a hurting girl sharing her discouragement for all us other single ladies to relate and feel empowered by and the thought occurred to me... what am I even doing?!

I think it is time for us loud and proud single ladies to stop whining on the Internet about the pastor/uncle/brother/father/friend who commented on our internal clock ticking. I think it is time that we put our money where our mouth is and actually start doing what we claim we can do. Just because we haven't, yet, been blessed with marriage doesn't mean we're broken - so stop acting like we are. It is one thing to talk the talk, but an entirely different thing to walk the walk. We can spend all our time proving to the world through words that we are good enough on our own, but if our actions don't match or even confirm what we are speaking... then what is the point. God didn't call you to get passionate about being right and proving that you are to others. He called you to do work... so DO IT.

This charge isn't just for you, I am challenging myself here too. I know how easy and simple it is to be the victim, but I've had enough of it. I can imagine how awesome the world would be and how much of a difference we could be making if we just did the things God called us to do and stopped just telling everyone we are capable of doing things. I mean... maybe if we did what we say we can do, people would stop questioning whether or not we can do it.