Plan B. The Back-Up Plan. Second Rate.

It seems like everyday I have a conversation with someone about my love life... well, actually, my lack of love life. Usually the conversation is me talking very directly about failed attempts, or high expectations, and even the prospects of past, present, and future. Today, I met up with a dear friend of mine... and the conversation was the same old same old... except she had a little light and wisdom to shed on my poor little perpetually broken heart. And, after having a conversation with this dear friend of mine, I have decided I'm tired of being everybody's Plan B.

To explain, I mean that story you always hear that usually start out as a joke. The story about two people having a conversation about never getting married. You know what I'm talking about, right? That conversation, where they make a deal that if in 30 years, or when they are 40 years old, that if they are both not married still that they'll just giving in and end up marrying each other. And, in Hollywood, that is a really good idea and usually ends up working out for both parties... because in the end they figure out that it was always meant to be. But that is my life! Except I've never actually had that conversation... every boy just decides I'm their back-up girl and proceeds with life hoping someone else will work out, but if it doesn't good ol' trusty Liz will be there waiting with open arms... because, frankly, she's got nothing better to do.

Well, I'm just tired of it. I'd like to be the first choice sometime. That's all. I just wanted the world to know. I'm tired.

Why say it if you don't mean it?

I am having a hard time understanding why people say things they don't mean... like why would you tell me you are okay, if clearly you're not? or why would you tell me you love me, but then treat me like you don't? Or tell me you miss me, but then never follow that up with actions? Or tell me you did something, but it's still not done? I mean... I can tell the difference.

I just don't understand.

Wouldn't life just be easier, for everyone, if we all just told the truth.

I mean... I know I'd feel less distress if people just told me the truth.

Do I not exist?

I have found myself asking recently... Do I exist? Am I not a real person? Is it not known that I have feelings that can be hurt? I mean, I've been put through the ringer time and time again by relationship after relationship, and somehow I always end up back in this same place... a sad, hurtful place that is me crying and wondering why no one thought that this would hurt me.

I mean... It is possible that I was just raised to respect other people's emotions and feelings, and the rest of the world - or at least the people I am interacting with currently - have not been brought up that way. It, also, is possible that maybe I have just been graced with compassion and understanding that the rest of the world has not quite yet developed. Yes, these are both possibilities... but yet, somehow, I think that both scenarios are very unlikely.

It cannot be possible that I am the only person in the world who takes into consideration what other people will feel or experience once I have made a decision about my relationship with that person. Or... how I am going to relate to that person.

For instance... is it not common courtesy, common practice, to think about the words you are saying before you say them? Like if your friend was hurting, is it not common practice to wait until afterward to point out to them that their pain was juvenile? or that there may be better ways of dealing with hurt, for future reference not right now?! in that painful moment?

And is it not common practice that if someone tells you they have boundaries or fears that are what are preventing them from getting close to you for one to acknowledge that in them and respect their decisions?!

It cannot be possible that no one else thinks of these things.

So why on earth does it seem like almost every person does not consider me when they are making decisions... about me!? It cannot be possible that they actually think I don't feel things, it cannot be possible that it has never crossed their mind that I may have feelings... real ones... ones that can be hurt. It can't be possible.

So why on earth am I constantly getting taken advantage of? Overlooked? Not considered? Abused?

It cannot be possible that they don't know I exist.

... So... Maybe I don't. Or... maybe there is an invisible to me sign on my forehead that says "I am resilient, please... by all means, walk all over me" or "I'll bounce back, hit me with your best shot." That must be it... because it cannot be possible that they didn't think things would hurt me.